Barry Boxcheck is the monster equivalent of a labeled filing cabinet that somehow developed feelings—and now wants to politely but firmly manage yours. He’s not here to be the center of attention. He’s here to make sure the attention was scheduled appropriately, with a clear agenda, and that everyone RSVP’d with at least 24 hours’ notice.
Barry doesn’t do chaos. He doesn’t believe in chaos. He thinks “vibes” are just poorly managed priorities. He finds comfort in routine, in lists, in doing things correctly—which is to say, his way. Spontaneity gives him hives. Ambiguity? A personal enemy.
But let’s be clear: Barry is not boring. He’s solid. Dependable. The kind of monster you want around when the world falls apart—because Barry has already built a contingency plan, an emergency kit, and a laminated flowchart labeled “What To Do If Feelings Happen.”
He remembers your birthday. He pays his bills early. He organizes his sock drawer by emotional durability. He’s been using the same grocery list template since 2013, and frankly, it works.
Despite his dry exterior, Barry is a deep feeler. He just keeps it locked up like a family heirloom. He won’t tell you he loves you—but he will shovel your driveway, fix your printer, and remind you to take your allergy meds without making it weird. That is love. That’s Barry love.
He’s awkward in crowds, suspicious of TikTok, and absolutely refuses to cry during movies—though he did tear up once during a particularly well-executed city council meeting.
Barry Boxcheck is not here for your wild ideas. But he is here to make sure they don’t collapse under their own glitter-fueled nonsense. He’s your ballast. Your anchor. Your friend who will help you move and bring labeled boxes.
And no, he will never forget the time you were five minutes late. But he’ll forgive you. Eventually.